can i understand your pain

So i have met my mother theresa friend.


it feels good to be in her space.


she was much better already as the breakup has been for 5 weeks.


for the first time when i met her, i listened to her as she shared with me about herself.


usually when we meet for coffee its always been her asking about me.


and for me, i always talk about me.





but this time, i really listened and i did not want her to stop.


i felt the pain of a break up and i cried as i felt myself feeling the disappointment, hurt, and the uncertainty a partner could have for me.





i felt my own break up come back to life and i remember how it had to end.


this seems like the same reason.





since we both still love each other, than why must we break up?


why must this happen to me ?


well, i dont know.





one thing for sure, i still care for my ex


but i also do know that even if we both feel very deeply for each other, it cannot happen because we both wanted different things.


we were on a different chapter in the same book.


and because we both loved each other, we did not want to pursue and i wanted to settle.


because i loved him.





but somehow, it will find a way to surface up.


so its time to face up.


thats how i ended my 5 year relationship.





it will seem cruel . but thats pain. and trust me. never doubt why this has to happen.


because it really happens for a reason. because of this, i grew .


i cannot say if i grew stronger or weaker. i will not label it.


i just know that i did. and because of that, it surprises me how i feel now.


my perspective changes. the way i look at things changes. i feel good.


internally i do. i know that i am heading towards my purpose.





if i look back at it now, maybe the signs were already there.


like i said, different chapter in the same book. both of us enjoy and want to stay in the different chapter.


yet we both want to change speed so that we can both fit in the same chapter.


funny thing is we actually know it.





we appreciate and we know why we sacrificed for each other.


but its not enough, because its not in alignment with what we truly want.

first things first, do i actually like myself in this relationship?

does it feel like i have to "do alot"?

cause i honestly feel it doesnt have to be so difficult. it doesnt.




so anyway, here we are having coffee and crying like a baby.


so in the midst of this, she was sharing about how difficult this really is for both of them. its true. its really difficult. her ex was texting her halfway and because of something she commented, her ex suddenly just burst into tears in public.





that's alot of pain to swallow.





and my friend, with tears in her eyes said to me: i know this is very hard for her too. and i'm very sad i cannot be there for her.


this really crushed me again.





so my friend tells me this: ironically, you could be the best support for her. because you have had a similar journey.





huh . my good friend thinks i could be a good support for her ex. you gave you that stupid idea.


i get what she means. but i have a relationship with my mother theresa friend, not her ex.


i dont know if i am going to be biased. can i understand her?





i will give it a serious thought.

how to handle anger?

I just got a call from my very good friend.

shes been in relationship for 3 years.

i wont say that its a perfect relationship but i know my friend makes a stand for herself.

meaning that she is love patience and provides a space for me to be who i am and never judges me.

how to find someone like that?

furthermore, she is gay. out and proud.

not everyone i know has the confidence and the security to be out and proud.

why do you think i admire her.

in a society like this, ppl judge all the time.

o why are you gay? you are not normal? whats wrong with you? something must have happened to you thats why you are gay. did something happen to you when you were a child ? are you tormented?

really? you are straight and in a perfectly normal relationship with a boy but i think you have a problem too. everyone has their own set of problems right?

so if im gay then that makes me abnormal? go screw a cow.

ok , not that i am gay, just that i admire gays more than straight to an extent.

to know i love this person so much that i can sacrifice knowing that i will not have children, probably at every family function my nosy relatives are gonna keep asking me why i havent i gotten a bofriend for life. for life, i will have to give an explanation right?

i see it that just just just to have this relationship itself, i have to brave all comments obstacles family members and colleagues too . its not easy being gay. i have to fight even harder just so that it can be ok

doesnt this relationship feel more certain?

its like: you love me for who i really am.

then my friend tells me that they have broken up and her partner now wants to be straight. she was hanging around with guys from the same course too often.

it got to a point that my mother theresa friend was so mad that she asked the girlfriend whats going on? then only did the girlfiend confess that, from the recent meditation or soul searching/ success training she went for she therefore the realised that she wants to be straight.

the success training definitely did not have an impact on your honesty .

come on man. seriously .

you wanna be gay / straight, your life , your choice.

im cool.

but when you make that choice in your mind to be straight and you hang out with guys first to "test water" and you dont confess this uncertainty with your partner that you wanna check out the possibility of being with a boy, thats uncool.

you should seriously screw a cow. sounds stupid . but thats the feeling i get with you

whats new anyway

i just got back from a long trip.

i missed the chinese new year.

my mum wasnt happy at all. its like a superstition that a family should be together

then i say, whats new? mum usually isnt happy anyway.

my brother feels that i should have come back earlier to celebrate the chinese new year.

so that my mum is happier.

look. mum's happiness depends on herself. not me. dont put this one onto me.

chinese new year is about celebration and getting together with family. yes i agree.

but if we are a tight family then this wont be an issue. all about this unhappiness right?

when i booked my flight back in december, i already gave her my dates: departure and arrival.

not that it should come as a shock that i would be missing the cny. and if it really did mean so much to her, then please point it out to me and say that you want me around for the cny. why act like a young punk and throw a tantrum?

im not ready to mother my mother. even if im ready, i dont wish to.

so please stop acting like a kid.

well, whats new anyway.

i dont visit relatives. our family did when we were little. we did have reunion dinners till my late grandfather passed away . then the family fought over the money, how the brothers should get more share cause the daughters have already been married off therefore they have no say in how the split should be. then the daughters would be unhappy and blah blah blah.

well well well.. cny is like personal hall of fame

who got married to who.

whos diamond ring is bigger

who got an LV, Prada, Gucci.

who spent how much on furniture

who gave birth to what

who earns more money

who drives a bigger car

who owns more property

who is smarter than who.

whos mother is older.

why dont you just ask me for the colour of my underwear then?

whats new anyway.

i dont think i have to be honest all the time

yet i dont need to engage in superficial conversations.

dont i have a choice?

yes i do.

but if i tell you this point blank, you are gonna be hurt, upset and agitated.

whats new.

then again, if you ask me a question and you expect a certain type of answer,

then you ask me for what? just talk to your dog.